As I sought to educate myself about sex addiction, I learned that its potential for devastation is at least as strong as that of other, more familiar addictions, such as drug, gambling or alcohol addiction. A diagnosis of sex addiction is dependent on whether the behavior is destructive, persistent and escalating. The addiction can manifest itself in masturbation, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, multiple sexual partners, child molestation, rape and even violence. There are estimated to be 16,000,000 people who exhibit these behaviors to relieve their inner pain and anxiety. These addicts are attempting to manage feelings of anger, loneliness and emptiness. Those who are in a relationship with such addicts will find them to be selfish, needy and preoccupied. This book offers samples of these behaviors.

The most informative book I found on the subject of sex addiction was Patrick Carnes’ Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, 1983 edition. Carnes defines an addiction or dependency as the mood altering attachment to sexual thoughts, rituals and behaviors resulting in severe stress to the addict and the family. The need for a sexual fix becomes more important than family, friends, work and values — as deadly as any chemical addiction and more difficult to recognize. Violent mood swings may be a reaction of the addict to the shame of compulsive activity he really doesn’t want. Having sex with those he doesn’t know or even like is another indicator. Finally, if a person is unable to stop engaging in behavior which absolutely contradicts his or her own deepest values, he or she almost certainly suffers from a sex addiction.

I heard Ted say and do things that confirmed his sex addiction. He progressed through several levels of risky behavior. I was incredulous as he began to reveal years of secret activities as a sex addict. When he told me of his many heterosexual encounters, he concluded with, “If I could go three weeks without having a sexual encounter with someone I would tell myself that I did not have a problem.” He continued, “I didn’t even like some of the women.” He was a man who did not want to continue his behavior but could not control it.

I had no idea he was making obscene phone calls to women within the first seven years of our marriage. One behavior I did observe was his interest in watching the lighted bathroom and bedroom windows of our neighbor’s house from the pool in our backyard. His voyeurism could have led to an arrest and prosecution if the victim had observed him. The women who received his obscene phone calls were also victims.

He ultimately confessed to having many heterosexual relationships with employees, friends, strangers, colleagues and acquaintances. If he had been exposed and charged with sexual harassment by employees or colleagues in the company, it could have cost him his job and jeopardized his career. He was risking his health and mine by exposing himself to sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, from strangers and acquaintances. He had exploited many of these women to fulfill his need for a sexual fix. When he revealed this information to me I lost trust and respect, and was unable to regain it.

I, too, felt exploited when our lovemaking became mechanical. The nurturing, growing and life-enhancing aspects of a sexual relationship were sacrificed. It was demoralizing to feel like an object — finally realizing I was another victim of his addiction.

Most devastating for me was my discovery of the years of sexual abuse suffered by one of our beautiful and beloved daughters. She confided in me well after her departure from home and her parents’ divorce. Her father’s behavior created yet another high-risk situation for him because of the extreme potential for legal consequences. He could have been charged with incest in the early stages of her abuse had she gone to authorities or confided in me.

My husband’s behaviors could have cost him his family, his job, his career and his health, but nothing deterred him. The addiction had control of his life.